Eye opening thoughts

Kids know how to enjoy the
simple things, they have fun
even with a cardboard box!

We say in Finland that Finns are very good at complaining. We complain about the weather, the neighbors, our jobs, our financial situation, the government decisions, and the list goes on.

Married to a foreigner I’ve got so much more perspective of all that. When I first met with my husband, he was so happy and full of joy. When he entered to a room he made everyone smile with his big white American smile. That was one of the first things why I fell in love with him. I’ve always liked smiling but after getting to know him, I started to smile even more, because it’s contagious. 

When we started dating my husband was very confused about why I was complaining

so much about everything. I didn’t even think about it earlier. I think that’s just something that is built inside for us Finns that we just complain because everything could always be better.

My husband couldn’t understand why I complain so much when the government is pampering us so much. Many of us don’t realize that we live here like in a bubble. The government gives us money when we study, when we’re on maternity leave (which is 9 months!) when we are unemployed, or on a sick leave, or not able to work because of some sickness. And when I gave birth to my second child we got to stay in a hotel after the delivery with the baby and nurses around us and it costed us only little over 200 € the whole thing, giving birth, food and the hotel! My husband was amazed, since giving birth in the USA is really expensive. We also get free “baby package” full of clothes and other things for the baby or money worth of the box (which is actually less than the box has clothes). That’s just to name few benefits we get as Finns. 

We get money for so many things from our government but we still complain because it’s not enough. Seriously, how many countries have as good system as we have here in Finland? We get 5 weeks' vacation yearly and our schools all the way to the university are free of charge. Yes, there are lots of things that could be better but having a little appreciation wouldn’t be bad. 

So we have came to a conclusion with my husband that the more there are things that we don’t need to work for, the more we complain and the worse things are the happier people are in general and you get to appreciate the small things. He was also very surprised at how we are so independent in Finland that no one really asks help from their neighbors or even friends or family and in the USA, everyone helps each other. I said that it’s embarrassing for us Finns to ask help because we get almost everything from the government and if we are not doing ok after that, it’s our own business to survive. And the funniest thing is that Finns love to help each other and even offers help but people here mostly are too prideful to ask help when they need it.

So it has been a very long and good school for me to learn out if this habit. I started not to complain at work and I feel better doing my work. I also stopped judging people’s behavior and that made me feel so light and a big burden from my chest disappeared. I feel so much better when instead of saying or thinking about something bad I say or think something good. 

Again the kids are great teachers to learn positivity. They get excited about so small things and they never complain if they don’t see others examples of complaining. I have tried to avoid complaining when they’re around me. Instead of complaining I try to see the good things about everything and it really works for my 3-year old. She gets excited so easily if I just encourage her to get excited. When we go to the daycare, there’s a big tree on the way which has Christmas lights and it’s really pretty. Now every morning when we go to the daycare, my 3-year old notices the tree and says how beautiful it is even she sees it everyday. That makes me happy. 

Now my husband has been living in Finland for over 5 years and he has adapted the Finnish habits too well. Sometimes I need to remind him of his American background and stop acting like a Finn 😄. Then he gives me his big American smile and he’s back ☺️. 

Learning from other cultures is very powerful and refreshing. I’m always excited to meet people from different countries and learn the positive aspects of them. I have realized how much good there is and how well things are in my life. After living in some other country you often realize how good country we’re living in but you don’t necessarily need that kind of wake-up call, you just need to look around and realize how small things can make a difference when you start thinking positively about everything instead of complaining. Try and you’ll see the difference in you and people around you. 

My kids have taught
 me to be creative 😄

Precious time that you won’t regret

Three baristas making coffee
for mommy 💕

Today I was proud of myself. I was patient with my kids and didn’t get mad at them when they were acting out. I had a day for myself and today I gave myself permission not to do anything. I was really tired of working for four days in a row. That sounds crazy when I say that out loud but my work is really heavy and I barely can sleep when I have layovers so that makes my work extra heavy. 

I have felt embarrassed for taking my kids to daycare every day (except weekends) from 8 am to 4 pm even I’m not working. Every time I feel like explaining to people why I take my kids to daycare even I’m at home and after that, I realize that I don’t need to explain. It’s my own business. My husband encourages me to take the kids to daycare so I can relax and take time for myself and do house chores (which never ends..!). 

One time I decided to keep the kids at home on Monday and the end of the day I was exhausted. By the time my husband got home from work I was so tense and stressed out so I just wanted to read my book and be alone. My husband was sad because I didn’t have energy or interest anymore to listen to him and be with him after the busy day with the kids. Then he told me to take the kids to daycare every day because they enjoy being there and they have so many activities there and I could be a better mom when I’m relaxed. And also I would have time and energy for my husband too. 

When I’m working, I’m usually gone for a couple of days and my working hours are quite crazy, very early in the morning or very late in the evening, so most of the time when I’m working, I won’t see my kids for at least couple of days. So then I miss my kids already so much that I enjoy being with them even though they are acting out. Then I have patience. Like today. 

My 3-year-old has now a challenging phase that sometimes I have no idea what to do with her. And very often I just lose my temper and start yelling at her and threatening her. I know, sounds terrible and then I feel I’m the worst mom ever, but I think it’s good for our kids to see our real feelings, do you agree? 

So today when my older daughter had a difficult time and she started hitting me and jumping on me and I got annoyed about it and she didn’t stop even though I asked her many times. Then I thought that I have two options: I could either stop her doing that by holding her tight and she would scream and cry like a wild animal and eventually calm down when she’s tired of fighting back OR I could make her laugh and then eventually she would calm down and we all would have a nice and calm feeling. So I chose the second option. I started tickling her and first, she was surprised at my reaction because I usually start yelling at her when she acts out. So I kept tickling her and she was giggling so much. In the end, she stopped hitting me and took her blanket and came to my lap. Then I started singing and both of the girls were looking at me so amazed and I felt like I was a pop star they adore. I was so proud of myself how I handled that situation. The rest of the evening went very nicely and they both went to bed the easiest ever. 

We had a girls’ day when we
were pretending to
be princesses.

There are times the kids need strong boundaries but there are also times that they just need attention and love. It’s very difficult sometimes to understand what our kids need and also when you’re tired than you usually don’t have any patience. Balancing life is very important in parenting. I feel like I’m a better parent when I work and have my own free time so I can rest and do things I love doing. 

Before I had kids I remember thinking bad about moms who wanted to go back to work as soon as they could after the child was born. When I heard that the parents wanted to have their own time, I couldn’t understand. I always thought that why do you want to have kids if you don’t want to spend time with them? But now I understand. Now I have sympathy for all the parents who want to go to work and prioritize their alone time. I have realized that being present doesn’t mean the same as actual quality time with the kids. When I’m tired and frustrated, it’s hard for me to be present and usually, then I don’t have patience and energy with the kids. I feel that I’m a better parent when I can spend a little bit less time with my kids so I can give them what do they need: attention and love. 

I used to feel guilty when I realized that how much time I actually spend with my kids but then my husband convinced me that they can get so much out of daycare what I can’t give them. They have activities and they learn there so much more than I could ever teach them and also I read a study that the kids who started daycare when they were under 3 years old usually become smarter. So now I don’t need to feel guilty anymore.

If you are in the same position as I am, be kind to yourself and listen to what do you and your kids need. The balance in life is the most important so everyone is doing good in your family. 

The magic of giving

The nature gives you if you care
about it.

When you give, you shall receive. Have you heard of this? But what does it mean? Let me tell you how does it work.

When I was a child, I learned to play “My heart will go on” from Titanic movie (or actually from Celine Dion). I remember that I was so proud of my new skill and wanted to play the song with my cousins. One of my cousins wanted to learn to play that song too but I didn’t want to teach him that. I thought that then I wouldn’t be special anymore with my new skill. He got mad at me and his mom (my aunt) told me that it wasn’t very nice of me not to teach him that song and it would make him very happy if he knew how to play it. I wasn’t very convinced but I taught him anyway.

I have had a similar kind of situations in my life many times after that. I have known something cool and wanted people to see how special skills I have and admire me because of that. I have had a hard time passing my knowledge to other people. I have realized that words of affirmation are something that is my love language.
Learn more about love languages from Gary Chapman “The five love languages” (also in Finnish). That book really opened my eyes and got to understand myself better.

Very often the best teachers are the ones who know the most and knows how to teach others. I admire people who share their knowledge and I think that they are even more special when they pass the information. I admire my co-workers who are instructors and they know so much about airplanes and aviation itself. It’s so valuable to get the information from them and when I work with some of our instructors I take all the advantage of their knowledge because I want to know more.

I always wanted to be the person who knows so much about something and has that “wise hat” on. If you know what I mean. Earlier I thought that if I share my knowledge with someone then I loose something and the other person takes it from me and gets all the credits. Now I have realized that sharing your knowledge is a gift for yourself and for the person you share it with. I have practiced it a lot.

I have realized that with my knowledge I can calm people down in the airplane (there are a lot of people who are afraid of flying), I can teach my kids how to behave and have good manners, I can make people around me feel healthy and enjoy their company even more and the list goes on. With all the knowledge I have, I can do so many things to other people and they appreciate me because I shared something with them. It really is a gift.

Like I mentioned my love language is words of affirmation and I love when people give me compliments. Everyone likes it but some people have a harder time to accept compliments. When I compare for example Finns and Americans, there’s a huge difference in how people compliment each other and how they accept the compliments.

I have learned so much from my husband how to compliment people and I think that has opened so many doors for me. I remember when I first met my husband he gave me compliments all the time and that felt so nice. I wasn’t used to that because usually Finns are more shy to give compliments to each other. He still compliments me every day many times and I have learned to do the same. It really feels good to give compliments. I have taught my daughters it too and already see good results. My three-year-old goes to the mirror and says to herself how cute she is and how she loves herself, it really is rewarding. She’s also giving me compliments when I have cooked something and she loves hearing that I appreciated her compliment. And my 1,5 year old also goes to the mirror and kisses her reflection and says “ihana” (lovely).

One time I decided to challenge myself. I started to compliment people at work. My customers and my colleagues. I wanted to see what happens. The reactions have been very different. Some people haven’t even realized that I have complimented them so I had to say many times different nice things to them but every time I felt that they really didn’t care. Some people instead have made me feel funny because when I have said how well they have handled some situation, their response has been “of course, that’s my job” or ”I just used common sense”. It had made me feel that the compliment was wasted. Some people instead have really felt appreciated when I have said something nice and that is the best feeling for me too.

The most adorable thing when
your child copies you and wants to be
like you ❤

So I did that some time and felt kind of empty because no one said anything nice to me. Okay, I know I live in Finland where people are shy to say nice things to each other but still, I felt that it would be nice to hear that I’ve done good work.

When one day there was a person who was afraid of flying and I went to talk to her right after I noticed that her eyes were big and she looked scared. I talked to her for a while and convinced that she’s safe and there’s nothing to be afraid of. I talked to her a few times during the one hour flight and I could see that she was relieved and got more relaxed. She kept saying thank you to me and it felt good. After she left she had told my colleague to tell me a big thank you. Then I felt really good, I knew that after giving so much I received something, I got a compliment.

Then I realized that it is about everything when you give money to charity or people who really need it, it will come back to you even bigger. And when you help someone with something, there are people to help you next time you need help. And when you give a ride to someone, you’ll get a ride later too, without asking. That’s how the world works.

Challenge yourself, first with your family members and then with your co-workers and friends and later with strangers. Start by saying something that you like what they’re wearing, or how much you appreciate something they said to you. Words and acts do matter, just try and you’ll be amazed! When you give, you shall receive.

Free cake in some random cafe in Seattle.
Sometimes you receive unexpected things.

The beauty of having children

I believe that children are here to teach us. At least that’s what I’ve experienced. I have always dreamed to be a mom but never thought they would teach me so much about myself. I was 29 years old when I had my first daughter. I thought I was old and was sad that I didn’t have kids earlier. But now I understand that I wasn’t ready earlier to face my fears and deal with my emotions. 

My first daughter was a very challenging and needy baby. I had lots of experience of being with babies and taking care of them. Everyone was sure that being a mom would be very natural for me including me. Turned out that it wasn’t. My first daughter taught me everything, she taught me to be a mom. I was blown away how hard it was to take care of a baby. Because for the first time I was responsible for the baby all days and nights. I was responsible for her whole life. I was so nervous all the time that I would harm the baby somehow and I was reading all kinds of parenting books like crazy so I became kinda crazy. I was worried about everything and I couldn’t relax at all. My days with the baby were lonely and stressful. I couldn’t even relax when someone else took care of the baby, even when it was my husband. Luckily I had my husband with me. But somehow he didn’t take his new role as a dad as serious as I did my role (read: he didn’t lose his mind as I did).

For the first time of my life, I was so tired that I thought I was losing my mind. All I could think of was that I want to sleep. I was even thinking to leave the baby on the street and a note with her saying: “Take if you want”. I couldn’t tell my thoughts to anyone. Luckily I was sane enough not to do anything bad to her but boy she made me feel every kind of emotion that I didn’t even know exist. She taught me to deal with anger, sorrow, desperation, joy, kindness, endless love and fear. For the first time of my life, I was willing to do anything for someone and she taught me to get rid of my selfishness. She was the best thing I had ever accomplished.  

So I learned along with my baby. She thought me to be more relaxed and calm and to enjoy life. When she was six months old I thought she was the best thing I ever had. She taught me to be social and I started to go with her to different moms and baby groups and when the time at home with her was gone I was ready to go back to work. I learned to enjoy my work again and I forgot how difficult it had been when she was just a baby. Then I became pregnant again and everything changed. 

My second daughter was very different. She was easy, calm and she slept better than my firstborn, at least during the day. I was so happy to realize that. But my firstborn challenged me again. She had the worst terrible twos ever and I thought I wouldn’t survive. I was so happy to have a baby again and I thought I would do everything differently this time and made her sleep through the night when she’s three months old. Well, that didn’t happen. If I earlier thought I experienced how tired a human can be, this was even worse. I was literally hoping that I could just disappear and give up the whole parenting thing. I even said to my husband many times that “I give up, this mom thing is not my cup of tea”. But how can you give up being a mom? 

I was like a monster at home. I was cooking and cleaning like a maniac. I was making sure that I was the best mom and the best wife there is. I wanted my husband to brag about me that he has the best wife who makes the best food ever but still that wasn’t enough to me. I was complaining about how messy our home is and wanted everything to be out of the way. I had a terrible need to clean and to show everyone that I can handle that. I’m the super mom. But I was falling apart. I couldn’t handle my emotions and I was afraid all the time that my husband would leave me because I was so unbearable. He never even said anything like that. He was just quiet. He never complained about how much I was yelling he just told me that I was amazing. Which I didn’t believe. 

I had to make the healthiest food there is and was making sure that no one in our family got sick. If my husband complained that he feels a little sick, I made him some healthy drink and forced him to drink it. I was so proud that my two years old had never been sick. I was thinking that my family’s health is in my responsibility. I thought that if someone got even a cold I had failed. 

The older the kids have grown the wiser and more relaxed I have become. I am so happy how much they have got out of me. I’m so happy to be a mom. I feel that I have got so much more confidence because of the kids and I feel that I’m capable of anything. The older the kids grow the bigger their problems are but I learn along with them. It’s fun and scary but they are the kindest teachers. They don’t think anything bad about you. They still love you even you had done or said stupid things. They are the most forgiving people there is. They forget the fight after 30 minutes when you’re still biting your teeth together. Then they smile and say: “ I love you mom”.

I have learned from them more than any job has taught me. I learned to be me. Every struggle with my kids has taught me to be more patient, more confident and more relaxed. I love the way they have opened new doors for me in my life. I have got wonderful friends through my kids and I got better eating habits because of them. After I became a mom, I’ve changed a lot and I like it. 

There are times that I have been thinking that I won’t survive, especially when we had a baby and a toddler. But every time I have survived, somehow. There’s no impossible, it’s just in our heads. Everything is possible if you believe it, my kids have taught it for me. There are things I didn’t want to happen and wouldn’t want to go back but I’m happy that all the difficult things have happened because that’s how I have learned and grown. My girls have been the most amazing thing in my life because they are a reflection of me and I grow along with them. That’s the beauty of having kids.