I believe that children are here to teach us. At least that’s what I’ve experienced. I have always dreamed to be a mom but never thought they would teach me so much about myself. I was 29 years old when I had my first daughter. I thought I was old and was sad that I didn’t have kids earlier. But now I understand that I wasn’t ready earlier to face my fears and deal with my emotions.
My first daughter was a very challenging and needy baby. I had lots of experience of being with babies and taking care of them. Everyone was sure that being a mom would be very natural for me including me. Turned out that it wasn’t. My first daughter taught me everything, she taught me to be a mom. I was blown away how hard it was to take care of a baby. Because for the first time I was responsible for the baby all days and nights. I was responsible for her whole life. I was so nervous all the time that I would harm the baby somehow and I was reading all kinds of parenting books like crazy so I became kinda crazy. I was worried about everything and I couldn’t relax at all. My days with the baby were lonely and stressful. I couldn’t even relax when someone else took care of the baby, even when it was my husband. Luckily I had my husband with me. But somehow he didn’t take his new role as a dad as serious as I did my role (read: he didn’t lose his mind as I did).
For the first time of my life, I was so tired that I thought I was losing my mind. All I could think of was that I want to sleep. I was even thinking to leave the baby on the street and a note with her saying: “Take if you want”. I couldn’t tell my thoughts to anyone. Luckily I was sane enough not to do anything bad to her but boy she made me feel every kind of emotion that I didn’t even know exist. She taught me to deal with anger, sorrow, desperation, joy, kindness, endless love and fear. For the first time of my life, I was willing to do anything for someone and she taught me to get rid of my selfishness. She was the best thing I had ever accomplished.
So I learned along with my baby. She thought me to be more relaxed and calm and to enjoy life. When she was six months old I thought she was the best thing I ever had. She taught me to be social and I started to go with her to different moms and baby groups and when the time at home with her was gone I was ready to go back to work. I learned to enjoy my work again and I forgot how difficult it had been when she was just a baby. Then I became pregnant again and everything changed.
My second daughter was very different. She was easy, calm and she slept better than my firstborn, at least during the day. I was so happy to realize that. But my firstborn challenged me again. She had the worst terrible twos ever and I thought I wouldn’t survive. I was so happy to have a baby again and I thought I would do everything differently this time and made her sleep through the night when she’s three months old. Well, that didn’t happen. If I earlier thought I experienced how tired a human can be, this was even worse. I was literally hoping that I could just disappear and give up the whole parenting thing. I even said to my husband many times that “I give up, this mom thing is not my cup of tea”. But how can you give up being a mom?
I was like a monster at home. I was cooking and cleaning like a maniac. I was making sure that I was the best mom and the best wife there is. I wanted my husband to brag about me that he has the best wife who makes the best food ever but still that wasn’t enough to me. I was complaining about how messy our home is and wanted everything to be out of the way. I had a terrible need to clean and to show everyone that I can handle that. I’m the super mom. But I was falling apart. I couldn’t handle my emotions and I was afraid all the time that my husband would leave me because I was so unbearable. He never even said anything like that. He was just quiet. He never complained about how much I was yelling he just told me that I was amazing. Which I didn’t believe.
I had to make the healthiest food there is and was making sure that no one in our family got sick. If my husband complained that he feels a little sick, I made him some healthy drink and forced him to drink it. I was so proud that my two years old had never been sick. I was thinking that my family’s health is in my responsibility. I thought that if someone got even a cold I had failed.
The older the kids have grown the wiser and more relaxed I have become. I am so happy how much they have got out of me. I’m so happy to be a mom. I feel that I have got so much more confidence because of the kids and I feel that I’m capable of anything. The older the kids grow the bigger their problems are but I learn along with them. It’s fun and scary but they are the kindest teachers. They don’t think anything bad about you. They still love you even you had done or said stupid things. They are the most forgiving people there is. They forget the fight after 30 minutes when you’re still biting your teeth together. Then they smile and say: “ I love you mom”.
I have learned from them more than any job has taught me. I learned to be me. Every struggle with my kids has taught me to be more patient, more confident and more relaxed. I love the way they have opened new doors for me in my life. I have got wonderful friends through my kids and I got better eating habits because of them. After I became a mom, I’ve changed a lot and I like it.
There are times that I have been thinking that I won’t survive, especially when we had a baby and a toddler. But every time I have survived, somehow. There’s no impossible, it’s just in our heads. Everything is possible if you believe it, my kids have taught it for me. There are things I didn’t want to happen and wouldn’t want to go back but I’m happy that all the difficult things have happened because that’s how I have learned and grown. My girls have been the most amazing thing in my life because they are a reflection of me and I grow along with them. That’s the beauty of having kids.
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